Confession: The Place Where I Want to Be, or Cosmology According to Kerray
No, this wasn’t written by AI.
The big difference between the me of the past and the me of today is that now I have a place where I want to be — and it is right here.
My entire youth was filled with expectations and doubts about how my life would turn out. What kind of person will I be, what will people think of me, how will I make my mark, who will I live with, will I be happy?
I am almost certainly past the halfway point of my life. And not only can I observe that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I can actually allow myself to feel extraordinarily content: not even most kings have lived a life more rewarding than this.
Having been granted the privilege of not having to devote all my effort to survival, having been granted the privilege of being able — thanks to my disposition, my set and setting — to devote so much of my life’s capacity to understanding the principles of the world, of life, of the human being and of society, I would feel like a wretch if I did not use my situation as well as I can possibly conceive, that is, for the benefit of people and the world.
I have a set of values that I built on the foundations laid by my family and with the help of those close to me, that I hardened and reinforced through questioning, and that I express through my life. Not long ago I would have said “try to express,” but that would have been my restraint talking, and I have managed to reach a point where I can set my restraint aside, because the way things stand now, I can trust that my values will not allow me to do anything I would ever need to be ashamed of.
As long as I act according to my best knowledge and conscience and in accordance with the categorical imperative, it is no longer possible to wound me with ridicule or doubt. At the same time, I have always carried a need to express myself and earn recognition, so only the well-worn neural pathways in my brain can still pull me away from the decision to express myself without restraint.
I have already experienced more gratitude, peace, contentment, and love than I could have wished for even if it were possible to order lives custom-made. All my life I have tried to be helpful and to use my gifts for that purpose, but only now have I healed deeply enough the self-confidence that was fractured deep inside, and I am able to admit that not only do I have a rather unusual view of the world, but that this view is objectively valuable and better than the conventional ways people look at the world today.
It is not that I bring something fundamentally new — not at all, and that is precisely one of the reasons I can trust it. On the contrary, every component of ‘my’ worldview is widely known today — anyone who wants to learn about them has never had an easier path in all of history.
The longer I live and the more I learn, the more clearly I see that what matters about ‘my’ view is not that it is mine — I will not even defend it if it turns out to be wrong somewhere. What I do is more like curation: from all the ideas that people throughout history have used to describe Truth and that are available to us today, I select those that describe it most faithfully. Ideas that are either verified, or at least practical and promising. Ideas from people who had a similar privilege — enough peace, capacity, and courage to look at the world directly — and who assembled from what they saw a view that makes sense today. A view that corresponds to current knowledge and current awareness.
So when I say I want to share my view, I do not mean I am pushing some original invention on people. For years I have been trying to share a continuously curated view of Truth — a view that entirely submits to the scientific method, but at the same time is not afraid to look at things from unconventional angles and find meaning and utility in them. And by meaning I mean something very specific: the ability to predict from a smaller sample of data what will happen in Truth — and therefore to act better.